Who Am I?

Tammy Luethje
The Journey Begins Within - Tammy Luethje - Intuitive Energy Worker
Religion And Spirituality

Jan 03,2018

 

Who am I? Who the hell am I? I’m not sure there is a single person on the face of this planet that hasn’t asked themselves that question at least once in their lifetime. My issue is I ask myself it at least twenty to thirty times every single day. I wake up every day and look in the mirror wondering if today is finally the day that I’ll have the answer to that age-old question “Who are you Tammy” and the mirror on the wall will magically open up and answer back at me “Well let me tell you, this is who you are”. Up until this point that hasn’t happened. So I still wake up everyday saying “Who am I?” And then I wonder, well that just can’t be me. There must be hundreds, if not thousands of others out there who ask the same question, right?

My life has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, mostly downs up until the past few years, and I’ve come to realize that life has been all about lessons and or experiences. Experiences to get me where I am today. I finally understand that I couldn’t be where I am unless I went through what I did. And I hope that by writing out some of my story someone out there will come to their own conclusion that they too have to go through what they are going through to get to where they are going. 

Life is all about lessons. The ups and the downs. It’s important that when we are in the downs we don’t fight them as much as we all seem to do but instead sit with them and just let them “be”. Allow them. Learn from them. Accept them. When we fight against them that is when we lose the messages. I hope by reading this I am able to help some of you learn how to sit back, open up and hear those messages.

My dad was in the Canadian Armed Forces and that meant we moved around a lot when I was a kid. About every two years, with four years about the longest we would stay in one place. I think by the time I was 10 years old we had lived in 6 different places. So, I don’t have a lot of memories as a kid of friends because we just didn’t hang around any one place very long. Up until this one place when I was about 10 years old. It was a little base on Vancouver Island on the coast of British Columbia, Canada. This is where my memories of my mom and I started to set in. This is where I started to feel and know that something was different with our relationship and I am pretty sure this is about the time I started having some knowledge of self. Up until that point I think I was just too young and to be honest I was a pretty bouncy, talkative outgoing kid so I don’t think I really paid too much attention to what was going on. But when we hit Holberg I really started to notice that something was up.

I was about 10 years old and I got my period. My Mom decided I was too young for this to be happening and so she took me up to the base doctor to have me examined. Up we went and the doctor told us I was just fine and it was a normal girl thing. We left the doctor’s office and my mother instead of taking the time to sit with me and tell me about the birds and the bees or have that mother/daughter talk took me by the shoulders and said “Don’t tell anybody about this. You will be embarrassed”. That was pretty much the beginning of the end of our mother daughter bond and relationship. I never did receive a mother/daughter talk at any time after that or even understand what sexuality was or what it meant. How did I learn? Boys. Yup. You guessed it. Boys. And boy did they want to teach me! I remember sitting in the library and one of the boys making comments about my boobs and all I could think about was “well, he likes me”, “he’s paying more attention to me than I get at home”. I was so excited to be getting the attention I was getting from boys!! That attention ended in a teenage pregnancy of course but without me even knowing I was pregnant until I was called into the Principals office at school and given a pregnancy test by the school nurse. My Mom picked me up and on the way home from the doctors appointment I remember her words clearly “you’re lucky you’re so far along because if you weren’t you’d be having an abortion”. I was then pulled from school and left at home until after the baby boy was born and he was put up for adoption. That was the beginning of a tumultuous relationship with my mother. And a life time of trauma really.

At 19 I was gang raped, at 30 my 3 month old daughter died of S.I.D.S. 7 months after my grandmother passed away (she was my mother figure in my life), I suffered from depression for approximately 20 years with a couple of suicide attempts as well as a couple of visits to the psych ward and finally at the age of 51 I found out my father was not my real father after all.  

During this my mother was not what you would call a “present and loving” figure in my life. As mentioned our relationship was on the rocks many times throughout the years. Up and down and down and up. I hated that woman something fierce through a good portion of my life. I blamed her for so many of my problems. I really thought it was her that was the reason that I was having such a shit filled life. She was such a bitch and that was why my life was crap!! *sigh* Boy was I wrong and did I finally learn my lesson through experience.

Mom started to change drastically. She couldn’t remember things. She couldn’t do the things she use to do and we were all noticing a big difference in her. And then the accident happened. She took a left hand turn on a highway in front of a vehicle coming her way. She was bruised from head to toe and her right arm ended up in a cast. She never drove again. From that point on we knew that something was seriously wrong with her and started digging deeper. I remember the day I got the phone call. “Your mother has dementia”. WTF?

I decided I would go down and live with my mom and dad and I did for a few years until mom went into a home which is where she resides now. Those years will forever and always remain precious to me. I went from all the years resenting my mom to loving her. She changed too. I also stepped very deeply into my Spirituality at that moment and started to Love myself more. I learned many lessons in doing so. First being we are responsible for our own destiny. This wasn’t a case of me feeling sorry for my mom because she was ill – this was me finally understanding how life works.

I Am, That I Am. Whatever I want to be I will be but more importantly I can just “be”. Whatever others do or say around me does not affect who I am! No matter if they are related to me or not. I Love myself. Just be. And if someone comes into my space with negativity now I respond to them with Love, Peace, Joy and Harmony.

I really do come from nothing and I’m learning to accept as I walk this path of Spirituality and Faith. God and Jesus have moved me to a new level of acceptance in my life. Everyday I’m amazed at the experiences I’m offered and the learning I’m given as I walk away from the negativity that was in my life. But it’s a struggle. I won’t say it’s easy. Leaving a difficult past behind is not easy. But I’m lifted daily by my Faith. And it’s a faith in myself. Spirituality is about believing in yourself. It’s about getting up every morning and having the strength to go forward for another day. It’s about taking another step. It’s about taking another breath. It’s about believing in something. It’s about believing in yourself. It’s about helping others. It’s about Love. I believe in Love. This has become my passion now. To make sure others know that I share Love around the world. Raising the vibration of Love.

So Who Am I? I am Love. I now can say I am falling in Love with myself. But it’s taken years to be able to say that. And it’s a slow process.  Lack of Self Love is probably the Number One killer in this world. We need to all step up and Love ourselves more. We all need to step up and state every single morning I Love ME! I’m writing this in part because I need to get out my story on how I made it but the rest is because I need to tell people how to Love themselves. It is possible to Love yourself. Go within your heart and ask “Who Am I”. 

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