A ladies guide to sports viewing

Arts And Entertainment

Mar 23,2017

Your boyfriend or husband is obsessed with sports, and you feel completely unprepared to deal with this time-consuming, relationship-hindering passion of his. You see your weekly date nights being shortened or rescheduled due to unforeseen sporting events such as World Junior Hockey games, College Football Bowl games, and NFL games on Thursday nights. This is just too much, and you cannot keep up anymore. Saturday night hockey games and 12-hour football Sunday’s is one thing, but these amendments to his sports viewing lineup cannot be healthy to your relationship.

You start expanding your own television viewing to compete, and you now insist on watching the entire “The Real Housewives of..” series, not just the more popular Atlanta version of the show. But, there are simply not enough viable reality television shows to keep up with nightly hockey and basketball games anymore. You note, however, that once “Glee” gets syndicated you will be armed with a worthy arsenal of viewing necessities that even the best PVR box will be unable to support.

You’ve reached the point where your basic sports knowledge is insufficient in providing you with the necessary information needed to sit through 24/7 football weekends. It’s beginning to feel like a college sorority initiation, where you recognize the need to sacrifice certain aspects of your personality in order to fit in amongst the humanitarian efforts of the group. Knowing that you will be unsuccessful in bringing to light the need of your man to scale back his obsession, you reluctantly recognize the opportunity to join the asylum in order to maintain the sanity within your relationship.  If only you actually cared enough to learn about the intricacies of the sports he watches, things would be so much easier.

Well, fear not, here are some surefire tips and required understandings that will make your Sunday’s fly by and have you pleading for the NFL to go forward with the plan to increase its season to 18 games:

1) When watching sports with your guy, it is important to refrain from uttering any of the following comments or questions: “Why are they fighting?”, “Why is the other team faster/better than your team?”, “Do you need to watch the overtime or can we go to bed?” or the ever popular “Don’t worry, it’s just a game.” These communication attempts will always be met with a disapproving glance, and normally a lack of response.

2) You must develop an understanding that while men recognize when our sports obsession has gone too far, we have no interest in the “glass is half full” approach when our favourite team has just lost an important game. Offering up condolences serves you little to no benefit at this stage.

3) Bringing food and cold beverages to the game is always acceptable behaviour.

4) Phone calls with friends are allowable, but must be kept brief, held during intermissions/halftime or conducted elsewhere in the residence. As a general rule, anything that takes away from the importance of the game or even suggests that there could be something more important to you at this time, is not recommended activity.

5) Channel surfing in the commercials of an important game is not allowed, nor is the mere suggestion of it as innocent as you perceive it to be.

6) Size does matter. Watching the final period of the game on the smaller television in the bedroom is a worse offering than you might acknowledge.

7) Compromising by saying that your friend has assured you that the game will be shown at the house party is not compromising.

8) If you are fortunate enough to be brought to a live sporting with your guy, you do so with the acknowledgment that your bathroom breaks will be conducted only at intermissions and halftimes, or will be done on your own. Departing times from the game will always vary, but leaving early to beat traffic to the parking lot or sticking around during a blowout of his team are not viable options to bring up.

9) While it is always considered cool to have our lady friend throw back multiple beers/cocktails with us on gameday, we take little enjoyment from your efforts at becoming a sports expert. Cheering for our teams is all we ask for, and is all that is required from you as far as your involvement in the game goes.

10) Following a loss by our team, you are asked to grant us anywhere from 2-to-48 hours of bitterness and inability to function or communicate normally.

There you have it, ten helpful suggestions for making sports viewing bearable and, dare I say, enjoyable.

image source: http://istockphoto.com

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