A "Labor" of Love and Loss.....Part I

Donna Rice
Donna is a serial entrepreneur focused on serving children and families.

Oct 25,2016

I will begin by saying that it is the first time that I have ever written of this part of me and my life.  I have barely spoken of it….and will only write of a small part of the most difficult time of my life. It has taken many years to arrive at a time and place where I am brave enough to face this fear; the fear of revealing such pain descending from initial joy and euphoria.  I will share a small but important part of my journey in hope that it may provide some help and guidance to those in similar circumstances.  It matters not at all how I ended up in that place and time, as there was absolutely nothing that I could do to change the outcome.  I could not make it better.  I could not fix it, not this time….

Expecting a baby is one of the most amazing experiences in life.  Upon the birth of my first son, I instantly understood how miraculous life can be.  It was the most incredible moment I had ever experienced.  What a blessing!  And I would go on to be blessed with the miracle of life again and again. The pregnancy, the labor, the delivery…all part if the magnificent adventure.  Each time I cherished every moment with passion and exhilaration. A constant state of daydreaming about the life growing and thriving inside of me.  The perfect human being; a piece of me to be delivered kicking and screaming into my world, until, I knew she would not…she would not be kicking, nor screaming, like her brother and sister before her. She may not even be breathing.  My heart and my world shattered.  The unimaginable was happening.  How could this be?  

What now??? This is the part that I need to share.  I was completely lost; lost in grief, horror and disbelief. The ME who was adept at solving urgent, complicated problems no longer existed.  The ME who thrived on urgency was erased.  I had no idea how I could possibly face this horror.  I was incapable and knew that I needed help. 

My first thought was that under no circumstances could I even fathom the possibility of laboring and delivering this sweet angel growing inside of me for many months and watch her take her first and last breath.  I was very fortunate to know and meet incredibly compassionate people who held my hand and my heart; who held me while I sobbed uncontrollably.  I was in complete denial of the horrendous task that was, without a doubt, utterly inevitable. How I took that next step and the next and the next is still blocked from my memories.  But what I do remember is this:

  • Take shelter in the people that know you and love you, AND in those that may not know you but show love to you in your time of need
  • Ask and listen to those that may have experienced the same or something similar.  They have been in that very place and made it to the other side
  • Seek information from professionals in any field that somehow touches your tradegy
  • Listen and be open to all possibilities and make the decision that you feel is best for you

I labored and I delivered my second daughter. I was still unsure of my decision as I felt the familiar pain, yet when she was born and I held her, I could not have been more certain that it was the right decision for me. Being flesh to flesh with my beautiful child, even under the circumstances, was best for me.  I watched her take her first and her last breath.  I immediately could not imagine having missed that moment.  I do not remember how I got there, but I will never forget gazing onto her perfectly beautiful face.  Holding her tiny hand in mine. Telling my beautiful angel how loved she will always be and how I will miss her every second of the rest of my life.  The time that I spent with her is what helped me heal.  

I wish with all my heart that this did not happen to me.  I wish equally, with all my heart, that nobody will have to experience the same.  Yet, if it comes to pass, I hope that what I have shared will help another mother in their time of need.  

Stay tuned for Part II……

 

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