More articles in category: Humor

2.
Worth Its Weight In Gold

I wanted to share a funny story for once, but this topic falls into the “less desired” category. I think it is a doozy that only a mother to boys would fully understand or for that matter give a crap about (later pun intended).

To give a little backstory, In my past life, you know before the eternal bliss of parenthood was bestowed upon me, I was an International…

3.
Fifty Shades of RED

I saw RED when I read E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey 6 years ago and she had the audacity to forever change the way I see RED. Just in case you live in total darkness: Beautiful college grad virgin meets sexy, wealthy, enigmatic businessman/sadomasochist. Neither can resist the other. Lots of sex, punishment and dominance follow in the “RED Room of Pain”, Christian Grey’s pl...

4.
What a Pig

A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn’t think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire …

5.
Back to School

TWO degrees under my belt, whats one more? Yes, I have decided to go back to school and jump head first into a new career! 

All the inevitable benefits for myself and my family looked incredible on paper, But let me just tell you, school isn’t the same as it was years ago. OR is it I that has succumbed to change, and evolved into an ‘mature’ adult and college is…

6.
A teaser from my book Fighting Poles

The convoy approached the town cautiously but saw that the people had hung bed sheets out their windows as white flags. The troop pulled into the town center and the lieutenant told Sergeant Wilson to send some men to find the Mayor and bring him to the Captain.

Sergeant Wilson turned to Wally and said, “Take a couple of men and find the Mayor and bring him t…

7.
A Beautiful Story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” one replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll f...

8.
Saltwater surprise

Saltwater Surprise

By

Paul Mazan

 

Having been raised in the Midwest far from the nearest ocean I’ve always been fascinated with saltwater fishing. I haven’t had many opportunities to experience it but every one of the few I have had has been fun and entertaining. The incredible verity of species and the ability of so many of them to put up a te...

9.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

‘You talk?’ he asks. 

‘Yep,’ the La…

10.
3 Tips for Writing Funny

Funny books. Kids love ’em. My kids have been avid fans of Captain Underpants and Diary of a Wimpy Kid for years, and they’re not alone. Dav Pilkey’s hit sensation has sold more than 70 million copies, and the latest addition to the series has been o…

11.
How My Dogs Taught Me to Retrieve

The age old question of which breed of dog is the best is simply answered “The one you have”. I’m sure my favorites and yours are different. However, having owned or been around most of them from “Curb Setters to a couple exotic and rare Dandie Dinmont Terriers I’ve found it is what is common to them rather than what separates them that makes them “mans best friend”, …

12.
My Characters Represent the Warrior I Want to Be

The main point of my characters of the DIVINE COVENANT book series is that they know how to kill. Plain and simple. They’re not exactly murderers, though, but they certainly can break a hand, or foot, swing a blade — and yes, fire arrows!

They’re Living Weapons. Deadly Living W…

13.
Stupid Criminal Tricks Part Two

Stupid Criminal Tricks Part Two

 

Two Welsh tourists landed themselves in court in 2012 after they got drunk and stole a penguin called Dirk from Sea World in Australia. Rhys Owen Jones, 21, and Keri Mules, 20, from south Wales, broke into the park on Queensland’s Gold Coast, swam with the dolphins and let off a fire extinguisher in the shark enclosure, before…

14.
Change – Part 1

Change is inevitable for everyone! I’d like to bring to you a series of articles on change. 

It seems as though this past year change has been very evident in my life. Winter always brings a variety of change as we prepare for the holidays the hustle and bustle of the busy season can take away from the true meaning of the holidays. As a parent and now a grandpar…

15.
A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command…

16.
Stupid Criminal Tricks Part One

Stupid Criminal Tricks Part One

 

A suspected car thief in Pretoria, South Africa, was foiled when the auto-lock system of the car he allegedly broke into trapped him inside. According to The Star newspaper the man was stuck for an hour and a half shouting for help, while amused passers-by pointed and laughed. The newspaper reports that when the owner …

17.
Stupid Criminal Tricks Part One

Stupid Criminal Tricks Part One

 

A suspected car thief in Pretoria, South Africa, was foiled when the auto-lock system of the car he allegedly broke into trapped him inside. According to The Star newspaper the man was stuck for an hour and a half shouting for help, while amused passers-by pointed and laughed. The newspaper reports that when the owner …

18.
The world’s leading expert on European wasps

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 “That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of hea…

19.
That Darn Old Lady!

“So, I went to Walmart to get some stuff for tonight’s dinner. I noticed this lady was staring at me on the same aisle I was on. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes again…STARING! So now I’m weirded out, but finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course this same lady was ahead of me…starts staring again. Awkward. So I start playing…

20.
Did you know?

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi was the leader of the Indian independence movement against British rule. Employing nonviolent civil disobedience, Gandhi led India to independence and inspired movements for civil rights and freedom across the world.

Born and raised in a Hindu merchant caste family in coastal Gujarat, western India, and trained in law at the Inner Temple, …

21.
Gone too soon.

How could you when you knew how much it meant to me?

The betrayal! The hurt!

I thought you loved me.

Then there you stand with that look of innocence, yet we both know the guilt you feel. At least I hope you feel as much guilt as I do emptiness.

I am at a loss for words.

We spoke in lengths about it. 

You promised. YOU PROMISED…

22.
A real laugh riot

I have posted a few jokes lately that seem to have struck a chord, In the interest of keeping the ball rolling here are a few more…

……………………………….

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy…

23.
Swinging in the Rain

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is three o’clock in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wi…

24.
Those buzzed bovines!

So what makes a good story great?  For me it’s always been a tale told in such a way that: 1) I can picture it in my mind; 2) it makes me laugh; and, 3) for me, at least, it’s unforgettable.

By virtue of three disparate careers – 30 years in print journalism and as writer and editor, 15 years as a higher education administrator with a strong emphasis in writing, a...

25.
Schools Out …EEEK!

Yes, school is out for the summer! The long dreamy days of summer; where there is no real routine, beautiful weather, adventure, bbqs, road trips and get togethers.

I’ll be honest… A PIECE OF ME DIED THIS MORNING!!!

You see I am the single parent of two teenagers. I obviously love my kids BUT holy mother of god is this summer going to be a challeng…

26.
a funny thing happened to me

 I enjoy occasionally spontaneously exploring, so i wanted to share a funny experience that occurred last week. i parked downtown now that the time of year is such where people are out and about. My first mistake was to walk indoors, as Montreal has a lot of these underground shopping centres, this particular one being gallery ville marie. its actually quite a marvel on…

27.
Theres a Chili in the Air

A Man Get’s Selected To Be A Judge At A Chili Cook-Off. This Is Hilarious. If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico…

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in…

28.
PERRY MASON WAS NOT ON THIS CASE

PERRY MASON WAS NOT ON THIS CASE

FROM TRANSCRIPTS OF ACTUAL COURT CASES

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?

A: Borofkin.

Q: What’s his first name?

A: I can’t remember.

Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?

A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair a...

29.
THEY NEED ATTICUS FINCH

THEY NEED ATTICUS FINCH

FROM TRANSCRIPTS OF ACTUAL COURT CASES Part One

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?

A: Borofkin.

Q: What’s his first name?

A: I can’t remember.

Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?

A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair...

30.
50! What The Hell Is That Supposed To Mean???

Turning 50, what the hell is that supposed to mean???

Quill Cloud

Today I turned 50 years old. This past week has been filled with blessings, kind words, and good wishes. It has also come with variations of that perennial question: “How does it f…

31.
And Then The Murders Began

At the beginning of March, author Marc Laidlaw put out a tweet that read “The first line of almost any story can be improved by making sure the second line is -And then the murders began-”

This is a very intriguing idea, and I challenge everyone to open up the nearest book and give it a try.

“Even before the events in the supermarket, Jim Ironheart should have…

32.
Childhood in the 70’s

In 1978, I was 9-years old and we got 3 channels on our 19-inch color television set. If the weather conditions were just right, and you didn’t mind a little bit of static, we could manage to pull 4 from time to time. When we experienced high winds, sometimes the aerial that was mounted atop a tower which was bolted to the side of our house, would go out of sync with the rot…

33.
Go Full Foolocity

“Stay hungry, stay foolish.” – The Whole Earth Catalog

I must give you a warning: Do not try this at home (or out in the street or wherever you may run into strangers). I’m going to tell you a story that will probably make you think, This guy is nuts! And I agree. I am a little crazy, and I wouldn’t necessaril…

34.
Revenge on United Airlines

Hating airlines isn’t a new thing, but it’s definitely popular right now. But first a funny story.

My wife bought a new water feature for the back patio. It was cool looking, I liked it, but it was missing something. The pipes, the water… Ahh, now I get it. It’s missing Mario. Yes, I went out and spent $3.00 on a Mario figurine for a gag picture. How much would …

35.
His Fuzzy Therapist

(News Item: a firm in Japan has developed a therapeutic robot in the form of a harp seal pup to work with older patients. According to company literature, “Paro is covered with soft artificial fur to make people feel comfortable, as if they are touching a real animal…Paro has five kinds of sensors: tactile, light, audition, temperature, and posture sensors, with …

36.
I Place Myself under House Arrest

I lived in Washington, D.C., from 1980-1985, and served a portion of my sentence working as a news writer for a television station. Our nation’s capital takes itself very, very seriously. A popular TV commercial for a local financial institution ended with the narrator intoning, “The most important bank…in the most important city…in the world.” But there were tim...

37.
A Blast From the Past

This story was told to me by my father in the very late stages of his life, and to be honest, he was laughing so hard as he told it, it took all my interpretive skills to figure it out.

As my dad relayed, as a young boy, he and his three brothers all worked for The Farmer Store Company in west central Wisconsin. The company operated enlarged general stores that so...

38.
Alpacas are not llamas

Alpacas are not Llamas. Llamas are bigger and more aggressive.

    This little cute thing I’m holding is a one day old alpaca. it felt like a twenty pound cotton ball with a heartbeat. So you might wonder how did I get to hold a baby alpaca? Maybe you are wondering why is it pink? All good questions.

     I lived in Greene County PA. for se…

39.
Birthdays

This week I was talking with my daughter and since her two daughters and myself all have birthdays within a few weeks of each other we got around to discussing memorable birthdays.

We as parents go through this long list of what our little keiki want and of course we try to give them a memorable birthday in those younger years to show our love and devotion to all …

40.
“Mom, what’s this word mean?”

While driving in the car, my nine year old, reading a book for “Tweens”, called from the back seat, “Mom, what’s a broad?”

“It’s another name for woman,” I started, “But it’s not an accepted term, some see it as derogative…” now I was stumbling, “Ah…some people don’t like that term, they think it’s a name that makes women feel…insignificant, waved aside.” O…

41.
Smile and Be Happy, Live Life To The Fullest

We all need a good laugh every now and then. Laughter and humor in one’s life is enriching and helps an individual to be more of a well-rounded person. Imagine life without humor. It will be a dull place to live. Imagine, no laugher, no fun or games to be played on someone. What would life be like? It will be more like a dull zombie like environment. Everyone would be too s...

42.
All I needed to know, I learn while pole dancing.

Yes, that’s right, I’m taking pole dancing. It was a spontaneous decision when a friend of mine said it was on her bucket list and I blurted out, “I know someone who teaches that right down the street”; we were signed up and in a class within a week.

We went to shake our booties and to laugh our faces off, but I ended up learning more than just “peek-a-b…

43.
Hot Flashes…

OMG…here we go again! If you don’t laugh you’d lose your mind…kinda!

I had another article ready to go when ‘she…hot flash…man-on-pause’ raised her ugly head and the laughter ensues. Here’s the thing…you’d better be able to laugh…a lot! The best part is when others double over laughing with you. You can’t make this stuff up…se…

44.
Kindergarten and Rose Bushes

Do you remember Kindergarten? That time in life when school was so much fun and you couldn’t wait to go because your friends were there, your teacher was the coolest teacher on the planet, and the playground was huge and had the metal slide that would burn your legs in the spring and summer. After recess you got to have lunch, then take a nap on a cot, and if you fell asle…

45.
Why do I do everything “Last Minute”?

I have a script due this Wednesday. It is Tuesday at four in the afternoon. I have opened Word in my script format. I have been looking at it for over an hour. Well, that’s a lie. I have been looking at Facebook on the other monitor while I had Word open. I have written nothing, not one word. I have the client’s annual report open and on my desk as are two of th…

46.
LIFE ITS OWNSELF

I’m a driverholic. There, I said it. I’m addicted to the latest and greatest drivers that come on the market each year. All it takes for me to trash last year’s model and buy something new is the advertising promise that “this new model will add twenty yards to your tee shots.”

Just last year I traded my Calloway Big Bertha for a Ping G30 because I used my friend…

47.
How to Establish A Calmer Household

Living a household with 6 other people, one of those being a preteen and two of those being twin two year olds, there are a few things I’ve learned that have been monumentally helpful in establishing a calm environment for our busy family. 

1) Dictatorship. Establish it early. Generally authority is served on a first come first serve basis, so though you may not…

49.
Relationship Starbucks

Relationship Starbucks

Being as today is Valentine’s Day, I thought this would be a good one. We are all looking for love from that someone special, and I hope that you all do find that person. When I was little I wanted to be an astronaut who drove an ice-cream truck in outer space. This is the feeling I have now with the woman I have in my life she is my ice c…

50.
Vengeance is Best Served Warm

Warm weather and sunny skies makes the heart leap as the outside beckons you to come join in nature’s song of fun and play. Whether you are 90 years old in a nursing home or, in this case eight years old and out of school on summer break, the perfect weather of a North-West Summer is irresistible. Everything in you wants to be outside! To the eight year old, it is filled wit…

51.
Happy Groundhog Day

Yes, we find weird things to distract us. This particular distraction has been going on since 1887 in the United States. 

My good friend google tells me that:

Groundhog Day is a popular observance in many parts of the United States. Although some states have in some cases adopted their own groundhogs, the official groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, live…

52.
How about a new trend? Meals without cell phones

Is it possible that we have to create a new trend of meals without cell phones? Is this the norm and we now have to create or enforce social interactions with our family and friends? I saw this picture on the internet and loved the message that it brought, short and sweet ‘the art of conversation’. We need our youth to grow up with socialization so that they may get along w...

53.
Death and Other Comedies

My father was a kind and gentle man who did not deserve the last two years of his stay on Earth. Lymphoma robbed of his dignity, his mind and, on a frigid March evening, his life.

He had stopped going to synagogue many years previously, but not knowing where else to turn, we called his old congregation and asked if the current rabbi could officiate at …

54.
The Impermanence of the Internet

For years now, I have been told, “Beware of what you put on the Internet. It never goes away.”

Really?

I can’t find the last two articles I wrote and shared with FaceBook and Linkedin. I can’t find the video I shared about how our IQ’s have increased over time. I can’t find any of the emails I wrote to my clients in the last five years.

I…

55.
AS MY FATHER USED TO SAY

Every day I wake up and I think ‘this is going to be a great day’! I try to make it the first thing I tell myself in the morning and also to resinate all the things I am grateful for. I believe that we should all be grateful for our freedom, safety and good people and hopefully some family and close friends that surround us every day. 

I often think about my dad…

56.
Searching For Leo Buscaglia’s Letters

Dear Friends,

If you were a series of letters, with a clever mind of your own

You might consider hiding from a friend, who tended to be mishap prone.

“It was just a week ago,” Lynn moaned, ”I held Leo’s letters in my hand.”

But she put them down absent-mindedly, and they sailed off to a distant land.

**************************************…

57.
Where has my OFF switch gone?

“Where has my OFF switch gone? ” has become a regular question I ask myself DAILY!

Being a creative person I get it, but DANG…there has to be at least a PAUSE button.

For those of you who understand, I feel for you. Those late nights/early mornings when you haven’t been to bed yet, but the daily routines must go on.

For those who have no clue of...

58.
Life Its Ownself

Life Its Ownself

BY REPETEABLE ON DECEMBER 26, 2016

IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES

I have a new woman ...

59.
Ode to the Tick – A Nonpartisan Political Satire

A Lonely Tick

A single egg-laden tick struggles in the morning dew covered grass. She is cold, alone, and hungry, when suddenly she discovers a steaming pile of freshly dropped bear scat. Struggling to get closer she senses its warmth and recognizes it contains needed nutrients. Crawling on top of the heap, she rests in the warmth, feeds her soul, and lays her eggs...

61.
10 Mistakes to Avoid in English

Having trouble with English? Of course you are. English is one convoluted confusing language, unlike the blissfully simplistic realm of Science. As a Wordsmith, and not as a Science cruncher, let me share 10 Mistakes To Avoid In English.

  1. Flammable, Inflammable, and Unflammable mean the same thing: Burnable. (Okay, Unflammable is not a real word, but if it...