THE FIRST TIME I FELT LIKE A HOT CHICK

Colin Alston
M Colin Alston, Author, Illustrator & Consultant
Dating

Sep 13,2017

(Excuse my use of the word, “chick” in the title. There is a reason such a derogatory word is used.)

When I’m on my break at work (the night shift), I’m forced to listen to shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. It’s fifteen minutes of pure torture for me because I need to eat, and the cafeteria has a widescreen boob tube. And it’s on… all…the…time. I hate such shows because it caters to unrealistic expectations when dating. I’ll not waste your time detailing those expectations, or complain how hard it is trying to find the right partner to share my life with without these shows mucking things up more. I’ll just come off sounding adolescent, if I don’t already… Rather, I’d like to tell a little story about inappropriate behavior verses self-respect, which is often seen in bastardized form within these so-called reality TV shows.

As I stated in previous articles, I was a shy kid. An introvert. I was deathly afraid of rejection and I was dateless up to my senior year in high-school. It didn’t help that I was a wall-flower and was nearly always awkward around pretty girls that I was attracted to, but didn’t want to have anything to do with me, (unless they wanted something from me.) Let alone being considered a total nerd.

There was this one girl, one of the popular students, the homecoming queen in-fact that thought it was a good idea to pinch my butt every chance she got between classes. She would always catch me in a crowded hallway and for a while, I didn’t know who it was that was doing it. But one day, I caught a glimpse of her in my periphery. She was stealthy, I gave her that. But this time, she was seen and I didn’t give her any indication that I knew it was her. But I had something for her, and I couldn’t wait for her to try it again.

It was the middle of the afternoon, close to the end of the school day when the homecoming queen pinched my ass for the umpteenth time. She didn’t realize that I saw her coming on my right and like a rattle snake attacking the ankle of a horse, I whipped my arm around and my right hand clamped down on the homecoming queen’s ass cheek and I squeezed…HARD! She yelped and cried out in pain, (I took great pleasure in hearing her painful pleas to let her go.)

I was like a vice, or a bear trap, and I directed her body by the chunk of her cheek that I had and brought her very close to me so that I was sure she heard what I was about to say to her.

I said something along these lines:

“Listen, bitch! Are you trying to get me beat up by Cory?” 

Cory was her boyfriend, the star quarterback of the school’s football team, and star of our track team of which I was fellow teammate. Very popular guy and who I was cool with…to a point. But despite that, I continued…

“Its’ not like you actually want to have sex with me, right? RIGHT?” I asked her with some degree of vehement.

“If so, then let’s do it and get it over with. Otherwise, if you attempt to pinch my ass one more time, I will slap the $#!+ out of you. And I will accept the fact that Cory will kick my ass as a result. But I will make damn sure that he finds out why I did it. And then, he’ll probably slap the $#!+ out of you too. Or break-up with you, or whatever! I don’t care! But you WILL stop it! Have I made myself clear?”

I said that with as much spite and anger as I could spit out of in my 18-year-old mouth, because I wanted her to truly stop sexually harassing me. 

She kept crying out as I jostled her from left to right like a Muppet and I asked her again, with greater firmness if she understood me. She finally answered in a way that satisfied me, then I shoved her away from me as hard as I could and told her to get her ?$&ing ass away from me.

She limped away from me, rubbing her butt cheek and saying “ouch” all the way to her next class. I’m sure she realized (or couldn’t believe) how strong my long skinny hands were then. 

So, what is the correlation with this story and shows like The Bachelorette?

It’s simple, it is about self-respect. In my opinion, no one in their right mind is willing to subject themselves to public (national) humiliation by being on these so-called reality TV shows, unless they suffer from some sort of low-self-worth. The kind of low-self-worth that makes these kinds of people allow themselves to be taken in by the fairy dust and glamour of TV, thinking that these networks that turns the art of dating into a game show has their best interest at heart. And in no-way can a person get to know another person in what, 13, 14 episodes and think that a real marriage in the end is truly going to work. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, it seldom works out.

And The Bachelorette I find most disturbing! I mean, come on!!! No woman in her right mind is going to want to have twelve to thirteen dudes in a cluster, within close quarters, chasing after her for a month or two. Not if she has any respect for herself. Remove the lights and cameras, and a woman in a room (or a hotel) filled with sexually charged men would suddenly feel in constant danger of being harassed. OR WORSE! It’s just inappropriate, not to mention foolhardy. These shows in-reality consist of controlled environments and the ONE WOMAN still doesn’t feel completely safe, I’m damn sure of that. If she says she does, she’s lying for the sake of being on the show and reaping the benefits of being a STAR! I would have been lying to myself if I thought that the homecoming queen ACTUALLY liked me for me. I would have been a damn fool if I thought for one second that her inappropriate behavior was her being totally into me because she was pinching my butt cheek, while having a boyfriend in the same damn school! I had enough self-respect then to end the harassment. And that same kind of love-of-self makes me despise shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  

And if you think I may have been too harsh on the homecoming queen, or if you think I need to lighten-up on these stupid mind-numbing shows, you had better think again, ESPECIALLY if you are a woman and you are reading this article. That is why this article is titled, THE FIRST TIME I FELT LIKE A HOT CHICK. Looking back on it, I felt exactly that. And rest assured, if the roles were reversed and I was the one doing the harassing, and I was pinching the ass of the homecoming queen, she would have every right to slap the $#!+ out of me! AND her boyfriend would be wiping the damn hallways with my stupid perverted ass! And I would deserve it.

Food for thought…

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