STOP PETTING MY PEEVES!

Debra Reynolds
I am a rural girl running barefoot. My interests are writing, reading, nature, autism & epilepsy.
Humor

Jun 12,2018

The Urban Dictionary defines “pet peeve” as: “Something that is a bit annoying to most people but is very annoying or upsetting to a particular person.” What annoys you? 

We all have those little things which just BUG us. What really bothers one person may not even be noticed by another. For whatever reason, these things just really “get up my left nostril”! Spend a morning with me….

Let’s start with AUTOCORRECT. Yes, I know you can shut it off. I do use the word completion feature a lot, so I leave it on. Still, what on earth makes it correct “airplane” to “mustard”? I know I have fat clumsy thumbs, but seriously? I can barely text that I am on my way to the doctor’s office without the whole process taking longer than the appointment!

Next are BAD DRIVERS. It’s very rural here, and we drive a LOT. Yesterday, I drove for three hours in the rain, and there were countless drivers without their HEADLIGHTS on, despite the law. Maybe this shouldn’t be a pet peeve, as it’s actually dangerous. Still, they haven’t killed me yet! The opposite are those who drive with their HIGH-BEAMS on in the DAYTIME. May God save them from ever having a light-sensitivity, which isn’t likely, because they’re obviously oblivious to EVERYTHING, and possibly blind!

Then, there are those drivers in TALL VEHICLES behind me at night. Pickups, SUVs, vans, anything but a sedan, really. Your headlights shine right into my mirrors, blinding me. Unless you’re tailgating (which might be better, unless someone is coming toward me with those bright headlights!) you can utterly blind me without noticing from quite a ways back. Here’s a hint: If the entire interior of the car in front of you is glowing like a malfunctioning nuclear plant, you need to either pass, or drop back until you can’t see me. God forbid you drive behind me for miles, and then we have to stop somewhere, because I’ve been fantasizing about smashing your kneecaps with a tire iron!

Whose idea were those terrible LED HEADLIGHTS that could blind unwary space station personnel? Some are purple, blue or green looking, and piercingly bright. Weird shapes, too. I overheard someone bragging about his new car, his headlights let him see “for miles ahead” and I pictured the oncoming lane full of wrecks in his wake. To say nothing of the unfortunate drivers in front of him.

Along with that are drivers who make SHORT LEFT TURNS–who drive across my lane, usually as I am coming up to the intersection to stop. Stomping my brake and veering right while they roar by, oblivious…it’s tempting to imagine a U-turn and a vengeful chase.  

There’s a reason for those long waits at the doctor’s office, you know. They’re to let your blood pressure return to normal after the drive. Although sometimes you don’t get the chance…bringing us to OFFICIOUS IDIOTS. Have you ever had a receptionist check you in and insist on a variation of your name? My name isn’t even hard, in fact my surname is a “household word”. 

“But ma’am, it’s spelled that way in the chart.” Let’s spend 15 minutes holding up the line until I’m convinced I’ve never been able to spell MY OWN NAME. Then, notice on the form that I suddenly have high blood pressure! Surprisingly, in spite of all these irritants, my blood pressure has never read as high, not once in my life. But IT’S IN THE CHART. (The chart is god, you know. It is NEVER WRONG. Nor is the DOCTOR.)

My favorite story of OFFICIOUS IDIOTS concerns the NINE MONTHS I spent trying to convince my insurance company that I didn’t need to pay for a PROSTATE EXAM. I’m a woman. I’ve always been a woman. But it took me NINE MONTHS to convince them that I shouldn’t have to pay for the exam. 

[thick, nasal, bored Hispanic accent] “But if you ha’ de tes’, you hah to pay for de tes’!”

“I did NOT have the test. I do NOT have a prostate!”

“If you ha’ de tes’, you pay for de tes’. Haw you wanna pay?”

I am the only woman you know with paperwork to prove I have a prostate. It’s small and lumpy, but normal. Thank you for asking. 

And now–to get back into the car for the drive home. What makes you crazy? What are YOUR pet peeves? 

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